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[Aug. 11th, 2010|06:01 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
i feel so stuck right now... I started talking to the ex boyfriend who I haven't talked to in like 9 years and all these feelings for him are back.
I feel like if I could I'd leave Alan for him but I have a hard time leaving Alan... Plus this guy broke up with 9 years ago. If this guy didn't know what he had then, then why should I go back...
Then he tells me things like he's always loved me but his heart was confused for a while and like when things got bad (he's been in Iraq 4 times) he'd always think of me.
I just feel so torn between the 2... Part of me says well he gave you up so he doesn't deserve to have me. And part of me is like you guys were young (I was 16 and he was 18) things like that happen he's you're first love...
Alan has things about him that I don't like but I don't know if they are deal breakers...
I love them both and I don't know what to do... |
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| first loves... |
[May. 30th, 2010|06:51 am] |
So when I was in high school I was dating this guy that had joined the army... we only dated for about a year but he was my first love...
I had a dream about him and i decided to try to find him on facebook... well i found him... he's now married and everything... i was suprized that it still hurt... i actually cried...
he broke up with me like 9 years ago...
man it really hurts when you're not with your first love... |
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| venting... |
[Mar. 13th, 2010|04:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
he's such a fucking idiot... i can't believe he made her his fucking friend on facebook... he knows i don't like his ex i think she a fucking ulgy ass skanky whore who hooks up with guys on the internet...
i almost broke up with him in the past becuse of her... he was still stuck on her when we started dating and then he flew to cali to go see her... i almost fucking dump him because of her...
then he's gonna make her a friend on facebook...
yeah i told him it's his choice but i expected him to make a SMART choice and ignore her...
and now he seems surprized that i'm pissed...
what the fuck ever... he's lucky i'm stiil with him after all the shit i've put up with |
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| fucking bullshit... |
[Mar. 18th, 2009|07:00 am] |
so monday night i get a call from my dad saying that my grandma is in a coma.... she had another stroke and there was so much brain damage that the doctors said she wouldn't wake up...
so i had to goto work... and i'm still in shock... trying not to cry... i told my boss what was going on just in case i had to take a night off she's know why...
so tonight (well morning about 5:45am) at work... my dad calls me to tell me that grandma past away...
i went to go tell my boss what happened and that i don't think id be able to come to work tonight and not cry... she basicly said that i couldn't have the night off unless i use my brevement (1 day) well i don't want to use that just in case i fly to ohio for her service...
so basicly my grandmother just fucking died and i have to go to fucking work.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2009|08:08 am] |
well... i've lived in Seattle for over a year now.... damn i can't believe that it's already been that long.... the city doesn't bug me that much... it's defantly not as nice as portland... and the way the roads are up here suck... like portland is a nice grid... north and south road are named by #'s and 1st is downtown.... east and west were actual names...
not in seattle.... of course not... a concept like that would be to easy for a city as big as seattle.... it's some stupid like that anything that is an Ave is north and south... and like hell if i know what goes east and west....
the job is going good... i don't really care for my coworkers but the money is worth it.... I've had 2 job promotions in the year were as the 2 years i was in portland i didn't have any...
my pay increases....
left portland $12.50/hr
cost of living increase $13.00/hr
promotion 1 $13.65/hr
yearly merit $14.06/hr
promotion 2 $14.76/hr
promotion 2 came on my 1 year aniversary here... now keep in mind since i work later hours here my shift differentical is also higher... in portland it was only 5% here it's 10% plus my friday night i have 6 hours of weekend pay at an extra 15% (totaling 25% for 6 hours)
so i can't complain about the money... i'm making over $16/hr with my shift diff... not bad for a 24 year old...
still no friends up here... lol i'm a looooooooser.... everyone up here is just so fake and materialistic... the girls i work with are shallow as hell... they're so bad i only talk to them if they need help... they're also dumb.... blah...
alan and i are still together... although i fear that i've emotionally check out... if he and i broke up i don't think i'd be heart broken or anything...
he's done so much shit that has hurt me just cause he doesn't really realize how it makes me feel even though i've told him what i like and don't like... i guess he's like any tipical guy and doesn't pay attention...
like i've told him over and over again... surpise me with flowers... it can be a cheap bouque (you can buy flowers for like $5) or he could even pick a flower and give it to me.... i don't care how/where he got the flower... but no... not once in the year that i've lived here....
i barely get him to go to movies i want to see... be we ALWAYS go to the ones he wants to see.... to get him to go to my movies i have to pay...
never takes me to hockey games... he bitches that they cost to much even when I pay.... shit he went to canada with me and darcy in december to go to a nhl game...he didn't have to pay for anything.... darcy paid for the hotel i bought the tickets darcy and i paid for the gas we took my car i paid for his meals... and he fucking ruined that whole trip and so he and i were fighting while darcy was here... it was so fucking embarasing... and it's not like i can go to a NHL game any time i want....
i think about this shit and i want to leave him.... i'm not happy anymore... and i've told him but he doens't know how to change... his whole family knows that if he doesn't change he's gonna lose me... his dad and his oldest brother has said things to him...
i'd move out but i just paid off my credit card so i have no money saved up... i've been sending all my xtra money to get that paid off...
I'm really just kinda suck living here right now... i don't know what to do besides just hang in there and save money to get my own place... |
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| a little better... |
[Oct. 6th, 2008|06:19 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | confused | ] |
I'm feeling a little better... it still sucks having no friends up here... then the one person you meet at work that might be someone that i could hang out with outside of work is a guy so Alan gets all protective of me and tells me he doesn't really like me going out to lunch with his guy at work.
it's after all this happened that I really started to feel alone. I can't just talk to Alan for the rest of my life.
Anyways... hockey season started... I doubt I'll be going to many games... >.< There are a few people that are in Alan's group of friends that are willing to go hockey games, so that's nice. But it sucks cause Brian moved away and he was the only one that knew hockey like me. He grew up a New York Islanders' fan cause his grandpa use to take care of their rink. How cool is that.
I have vacation next week, part of me would like to go to Portland for a bit, but i doubt that'll happen. Alan's brother is flying over from North Carolina so we'll mostly be doing his family stuff.
My next vacation is in December and D'Arcy is going to try to come out here. I got 3 tickets to a NHL game in Vancouver. I'm excited about going to a NHL game. it's been almost 3 years since the last one. I swear Seattle or Portland needs a NHL team.
I think i'm going to start using this more again. I feel better kinda venting and then I have y'all that can reply and leave me comments. |
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| geez.... |
[Sep. 27th, 2008|12:04 pm] |
Okay so it's been a really long time since I've written in here... I'm still living in Seattle with Alan... most things are the same...
I've been feeling kinda sad lately... I just miss the way things use to be.
I miss living in Portland and having friends. I have no one up here that I care to really hang out with... La (from high school) lives up here, but she and I were never very close. Sarah (from Korean class) is up here too... but she and I are to different to hang out...
I miss little things like knowing my way around town.
and the fucking weather is so different for being only 275 miles away... it's still like in the 70s in Portland and it's already in the 60s up here. the leaves are already falling of the trees. it sucks cause seattle doesn't really get summers.
i dunno... i love Alan and being with him is nice... but I'm just not liking Seattle... even the lab up here sucks...
Work... man that's a hard one cause I'm making about $600 more a month up here and I've gotten promotions and shit that I wasn't getting in Portland, but the people up here are lazy and stupid...
well the stupidness isn't their fault... it's the way they are trained... they just don't have to know anything.
the people in the portland lab are just nicer and shit...
I just fucking hate it up here. I'm only up here cause of Alan. I finally told him that I'm not really happy with things. I don't think he really understood the whole thing though. oh wells.
I'm just so alone up here i fucking hate it. |
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| Seattle... |
[Mar. 21st, 2008|08:09 am] |
Well it's been about 3 weeks and I've just finished getting boxes put away and everything set up. Work is a lot different then in Portland. The not just people but how things are done... I'm slowly getting use to it... It also gets about 10 times more specimens... I get about a hour of overtime a night... I don't mind the money butit's makes me so tired...
i'm trying to start going to the gym again... i've managed to go 1 time... >.<
blah...
off to bed |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2007|02:37 am] |
wow... it's been a long time...
Thanks Pasia for the long phone conversation.... It did make me feel better... It sucks that we don't hang out much anymore, but thanks for always being there for me...
things are goin well.... nothing really new... this is the 1st weekend I haven't been with Alan since Feb. 17/18th... it's feels weird... I've had a hard time sleeping in my own bed this weekend.. I don't know if it's cause it's the weekend and everyone was home so i couldn't sleep, if it was because I wasn't in Alan's bed(I've slept in his bed without him just fine), or if it was because I didn't have Alan there to like cuddle with/hold me like he normally does... Maybe it's a little of all 3.... >.<
I'm still doing the weight loss thing for work... I'm wining too... YAY! Since mid January I've lost 15lbs (all WITHOUT working out)... about a pound a week... not bad but that means it'll take me about 1.5 years to weight what I want to weight... I better start working out... blah
that's about it.... nothing new... my life is pretty much work and driving (to and from Seattle)... Oh I drive at work too.... so scratch that... my life is pretty much DRIVING....
I hope everyone is still doing well... I wonder if people still read this... hmmm....
~EDIT~ So I just realized that the last time i posted in here was from like same weekend I didn't see him in February... how odd... |
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| Where to start.... |
[Feb. 20th, 2007|03:09 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  weird | ] |
I've been feeling weird lately.... I don't know why.... I think it's mostly because of my relationship with my boyfriend...
I do feel a bit better.... we talked last night for a long time... I didn't go to sleep til like 8.30 this morning... I really hope things will be ok between us...
**sigh**
I have such a hard explaining how i feel... it's so complicated... why can't things be simple for me...
like I know ever since Mike and I broke up I catch myself perposely seting up ways for boyfriends to break up with me... and I feel like I'm going to do this with Alan... and I don't want to... I don't want us to break up... not yet anyway.... I'm still having fun.... I just don't know how to stop it... like now I'm being extra careful... and that i think has me over thinking... so then I feel weird...
BLAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways here's a recent pic of me from Saturday night when i was waiting for my sister and her friends to go out to the club...
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